9/28/2009

Street Vibrations

This weekend was the much anticipated Street Vibrations Motorcycle Festival. 'Street Vibes', as the locals call it, is a Sturgis-like motorcycle rally that rolls through Virginia City, basically taking over the the town - think 10,000 bikers in a town of 900. The event sold-out hotels and brought in shit tons of cash for anyone selling libations. Along with the bikers, there were a couple thousand bead wielding tourists who made their way up with the intention of bartering for biker boobs. Basically a black leather Mardi Gras, sans coeds. There were a couple hot hardbodied biker babes, but the majority looked closer to Brett Butler.

I'd been looking forward to this weekend all summer, and to be honest it was a hair of a letdown. Don't get me wrong 'twas good times and revelry, but I wanted Sodom AND Gomorrah. And I only got Gomorrah. Unlike the NC-17/Tony Scott tales of yesteryear, there were no rooftop S.W.A.T. teams, no Hells Angels/Mongols brawl and no lessy park bench cunnilingus. I did however hookup with a cute girl sporting a two-tone dye job. I’m not sure if this oil & vinegar half blonde/half brunette look is mainly a Nevada fad or if it’s gone airborne, but it's downright trendy in these parts. As a side note the two-tone girl delivered the best pre-felatio, self-depreciating line I’ve ever heard. “I have to warn you... I’m not the best in the west at this”. Somewhere Woody Allen got his wings.

The most striking woman I saw was a CG-enhanced Spartan straight out of “300”. She had Gina Gershon’s face, Mickey Rourke’s body, Posh's over the muscle implants and long tangled stout Amazonian hair. Sounds odd I know, but I swear everyone in town was gunning for her. It takes mad game to bring down SPARTA!

I leave Wednesday, back to LA, first draft in hand. Overall it was a good last weekend. As William Hurt's character said in "The Big Chill", "He went out with a bang not a whimper."

BTW - Yusuf Islam's "... Sing Out" is meant to be quasi-endearing, not ironic.



9/14/2009

Things I did International Camel Races Weekend


1. Watched camel races, ate tri-tip and drank beer.

2. Involuntarily served beans to the Virginia City bourgeoisie. The woman in charge of food for the VIP tent had graciously done my laundry several times pro-bono. As soon as I walked into the VIP tent she grabbed me, told me I owed her and handed me a serving spoon. As the hungry camel race enthusiasts stood in front of me I asked Sophie's choice, “Beans or Chili?”, then scooped. For the first time in my life I felt like I was giving back to a community.

3. Made out with a Camel Jockey. Cross that one off the bucket list!

4. Almost went home with a famed SoCal horse trainer – think calloused version of
Laura Dern in “Mask” sans blindness. Unfortunately I couldn’t get past her Bob Hoskins hands.

5. Had sex with a chain-smoking self-proclaimed "Colorado Party Girl" who began every sentence with the dudish preposition, "hey man". I wish her high school english teacher would have taken an inappropriate interest and given her a Henry Higgins tongue lashing.

6. Masturbated thinking about Bob Hoskins' hands.



9/08/2009

Labor Day Weekend

A good looking bachelorette party was in town on Saturday. They all wore low cut tank tops catered for "suck for a buck", which is basically talking guys into paying $5 to mouth grab a Tootsie Pop from their cleavage (which was very good business considering the majority were pre-op Soleil Moon Frye stacked). Unfortunate for them I always pass on PG-13-sexual hustles for money - this includes the flirty shot girls with whistles in their mouths that try and bludgeon you with neon test tubes of sour-mix/vodka, and of course the Scientology chicks that offer HJ's for personality tests. I did wind up making-out with the cute flat chested one of the group. But that’s as far as it went, thanks to their no girl left behind bachelorette-party-of-the-traveling-pants pact.

The true highlight of the weekend though was my first Civil War Reenactment. Check out the short video I made below (I know the score is a bit obvious and excessive but "Goodbye Horses" just wasn't cutting right).




9/02/2009

Pierced Teats and Hell's Angels

Saturday night I went to Union Brewery for the owner's birthday party. All the girls were encouraged by their boyfriends to flash the band. One of the girls was a bit apprehensive, because the bass player was her old high school teacher. She eventually gave in to the ubiquitous crescendoing “DO IT!” chant and lifted up her shirt for five seconds of teat pierced glory. This poses the Mary Kay Letourneau question - would you flash/expose yourself to an old teacher?

Speaking of flashing, at the end of September is a three-day Sturgis-like motorcycle rally called Street Vibrations. The Hells Angels, Mongols and other gangs overrun the town. They make drink in the saloons and parade down C Street showing off their bikes, colors and mamas' mammary glands. Apparently rooftop S.W.A.T. teams are on stand by, prepped for Angel on Mongol violence. Sounds like a Walter Hill movie. I think I'm wet. Can you dig it?!

8/29/2009

Carson City Clubbin'

Last night I went to a club in Carson City called Doppelgangers. Fucking weird. The club consisted of an outdoor parking lot with an elevated DJ booth, disco lights and a mixed nuts crowd of platinum blond 7's, Latinas wearing bottom-boob showing midriffs, soccer moms, high school football players (kids ok, if no drink), Carson City wiggas, OC muscle shirt ultimate fighters and teen couples on Accutane pushing baby strollers. Existential classics such as "I Got Five On It" and LL's "Doin' It" bumped till the break of dawn.

I started charmingly confounding a drunk rough-looking esthetician with my knowledge of waxing, microderms and acid peels. She told me she liked me, but not my attitude. As she reached over to pet my face an 80's version of Scott Glenn came by and slapped her ass. She giddily confided in me that he is in fact the 2nd Head Of Security for the club, and he likes her. I gave her two thumbs up and a snap.

Lucky for me I went with a date who kept me preoccupied all night or I would of undoubtedly made-out with
Carson High's 2nd-string QB's slutty mom and needed Scott Glenn to protect me from his starting O-Line.

8/23/2009

Hippie Girl

Last weekend I went into town and saw “District 9”. Afterwards I walked next door and engaged in some Reno strip mall sushi, which doesn’t exactly measure up to Ventura Blvd strip mall sushi. The waitress, tall blonde with a Winnie Cooper braid, pointed to my Urban Outfitters Technics T and asked if I was a DJ. I told her no… “I’m a poser”. She laughed and went on to make suggestive eye contact with every plate of sushi she put on the table. Later she told me she’s been to Burning Man eight years in a row, is a fire dancer and likes the drugs. “You should come”, she said. I told her I didn’t think my body could handle five days of serotonin depletion.

I’ve never been that into chicks that party hard with the hippie drugs, or actually hippie chicks in general (with the exception of Linda Cardlini in the “Freaks and Geeks” finale). Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for Earth, Wind and Fire (the elements, not the band, although they’re good too) and a bitchin black-light/strobe-light combination, but there's no way I could date someone who forces surrealism into the minutiae of their day to day life.
Those girls are for guys cut from the same cloth. The masters of pot-smoke shotgunning, deep philosophical eye fucking and barely touching fingernail massages. Plus the hippies of the 90’s and thereafter have only a fraction of the fulsome sluttyness of their predecessors; especially compared to the boozy, "9 ½ Weeks", I like uppers on special occasions, pragmatists.
On my way out we exchanged numbers. She called five minutes later... I took the wrong copy of the credit card receipt.

8/16/2009

Bloody Noses, Turkey Waddles and Angry Fathers


Top 7 Qualms With Virginia City

10.) The altitude/desert combo, makes me wake up every morning with a dried-up bloody nose. Shute says Louden Swain and I can't hold our mud.

9.) There aren’t many attractive single locals (in my age range) in Virginia City. I could push the boundaries of humanity and go to the dark side, but I promised myself I’d forgo the small town dirty-dirty rep.

8.) All the restaurants in Virginia City (sans Mandarin Garden) are closed by sunset.

7.) Tourists and Reno/Carson/Dayton girls are the best bet for action. Unfortunately they tend to only spend the night in town on Fridays & Saturdays... This does however make for more productive weekdays.

6.) The only market in Virginia City is in the RV park. It sucks being a produce snob.

5.) Every time I dance with a girl, their boyfriend, father or brother wants to fight. On Saturday night I was boogying with a young lass, while her father and uncle stroked their guitars on stage. It became rather uncomfortable when she unstealthily started biting my neck and grabbing my ass. At the end of the night I went to shake her father's hand - he refused, preferring to spit tobacco instead. She wants to take me 'clubbing' in Carson next Friday. She told me that I don't need to be on good behavior that night. Vacillation mode - Lolita's father and uncle play at about every saloon in town. Trouble...

4.) Since moving to Virginia City I have been worried that I'm going to put weight on - I don't have access to a proper gym and I frequent saloons at a rate that rivals my collegiate salad days. After seven weeks my body looks the same. It's just that it feels like all the fat has gone straight to my neck. Folks tell me I am paranoid, but I think my predestined-ancestral turkey neck has accelerated and is finally catching up with me. After every drink and meal I touch my chin/neck to see if it has grown. To counter the growing waddle I might have to find an all night Reno drum and bass club, take two E’s and dance till daylight with a piece of chewing gum in my mouth. I guess for now I’ll stick with exercise, the 40 minute drive to Reno Trader Joes, perfecto posture (which makes it go away) and my trusty Jack Lalanne facemastics.

8/09/2009

Pickled Eggs, Fallen Soldiers And A Frisky Deputy


I've been doing more writing, hence I only went out three nights last week...

Wednesday Night

Went to Sergeant Major’s (a drinking establishment that honors law enforcement and the military). The woman managing the bar jukeboxed a song called “Arlington” and told everyone to be quiet and listen to the lyrics. The ethereal quasi-punk girl next to me broke into tears. The bar manger took a drag and announced, “It’s the song”. Everyone listened in silence, heads down, soaking up the lyrics. Afterwards a more upbeat song came on. The quasi-punk girl wiped away her tears and orchestrated the bar manger's two young daughters to sandwich her. The three of the them danced tightly pressed together in a Lynchian unison. I just watched.

Friday Night
Didn't want to go out, but I could hear a band play from the Ponderosa Saloon so I walked down to check them out. I said hi to the regulars and had a seat. During "Radar Love" a cute brunette in black high heel boots sat down, asked if I had a girlfriend and checked my hand for one of those lifelong commitment rings. We hung out till morning. She works at a nearby jail as a deputy, likes to sing country, drives a Ridgeline and leans towards the deviant side. We'll hang again.

Saturday Night
Drank lots of beer and scotch at the Brass Rail while listening to karaoke (I don't sing - haven't since I butchered "Caribbean Queen" Thanksgiving Eve 2007). As the bar closed a biker with a Fu Manchu asked me if I would go to his hotel room and "knock the bottom" out of his wife. "She's on the heavy side, but she's really sexy", he said. Maybe if I hadn't met the cute deputy the night before I would have considered the auspicious offer. But I passed and walked to the Twain where I struck up a conversation with two attractive early forty-somethings. Things were going well until the one I liked - think Lucy Lawles with lots of belly jewelry - saw that they had pickled eggs. The bartneder fished one out and put it on a paper plate. After her and her friend had a bite, she offered it to me. I said no thank you. My preserved ovo refusal bothered the shit out of her. "As a writer you need to experience this," she said. I asked for a reward and she offered me an "open mouth kiss", which suddenly seemed less than desirable while thinking about her pickled egg saliva. I decided to put my stomach first, and left without the kiss (actually I got one on the cheek from both of them).

8/02/2009

How I Almost Fought A Marine



On Friday night around 2:30 AM at Sergeant Major’s a skinny guy with a goatee buys a round of drinks for the bar. Twenty minutes later he turns and looks at me. I haven't met him yet, so I extend my hand for an intro.

“Don’t shake my hand if you don’t mean it,” he says.

I mean it,” I tell him.

He walks over and says, “You don’t like me do you?”

Here we go. "I don’t know you. But you bought me a drink so I wanted to say thank you."

“Your damn right I did.”

I've already seen him fall twice. He’s drunk.

“I’m drunk," he says. He looks over his shoulder. "Is that guy with you?”

The guy behind us is talking to the tatted hipster girl that my new drunk friend walked in with. She has already told everyone in the bar she is married, but not to my new drunk friend. They just met across the street and happened to walk in together.

“Him? No, I don’t know him,” I said.

“He can stab me, I don’t give a fuck.”

“Ya, I don’t know that guy.”

“Where are you from?”

“Los Angeles.”

“United States Marine Corps!” he says as he pounds his chest. (I should note that he is not from VCity, he is visiting from Dayton.)

“That’s great. I respect that.”

“Where are you from?" he asks again, this time more angry.

“I was born in St. Louis,” I answer.

"No! Where are you from?!!!” I see what he's getting at, he thinks I’m Mexican or something. It doesn't pay to be tan in this town. He narrows his psycho eyes, pounds his chest and shouts, “United States Marine Corps!”

I’m ready to hit him the first sec he makes a move. Vic the bartender comes by, who is pretty plastered in his own right. The Marine points to me and asks, “Is he alright?" I roll my eyes at Vic.

“Ya, he’s cool,” Vic says.

“What about him?” Pointing to the guy behind me.

“He’s cool too,” Vic says as he walks away. The Marine shakes my hand and gives me a bro-hug.

Within two minutes the Marine’s shirt is off and he's toe-to-toe with the guy behind me. Just so happens the guy behind me has a roommate in the bar who is also a Marine and is able to talk Marine speak - "STAND DOWN MARINE!! I SAID STAND DOWN SOLDIER!!!" - to calm him down, which actually works for a couple minutes. I decide to make-out with the hipster married chick (who I nicknamed Betty Page) while all this is going on. She tells me I’m hot and that her and her husband have a mutual understanding. She asks for my #. I give it to her with the condition that her hubby won't come after me with a shotgun.

…I guess I’m an adulterer not a fighter.

7/29/2009

Ponch and The Puzzle



Doesn't Ponch have anything better to do than fuck with el hombre driving the adorable Emmanuel Lewis mobile?

On another note - this is kind of exciting in a Rand McNally extra credit kind-a-way. I am only the 2nd person in town (1st was a guy named Fitz) to ever crack The Brass Rail Saloon's metal-intwined-crazy-fucking-difficult-puzzle. I'm thankful there was a 2nd person in the bar to take the ceremonial photo.

7/22/2009

What Were Once Vices Are Now Habits


Top 5 Reasons my health is declining.

10.) For some reason an authentic old-west town encourages my Vince Neil Disease to act up.

9.) The whole town is lit by mid-afternoon. All the antique, sliver, turquoise and leather merchants join the tour guides, train conductors, gunfighters and my personal fav the Living Legends* at the saloons for beer and whisky.

*The Living Legends are Janes & Joes that dress up (pro bono) as cowboys and victorians, and saunter around town talking and taking pictures with tourists. If you ever have a chance to share a beer with an undertaker, débutante or rifleman, do it. Click here if you'd like to apply to be a Living Legend.

8.) There is a 24-hour bar/casino (slots and v-poker) called the Mark Twain or as people endearingly refer to it as, "The Twain". Needless to say if you are at the Twain at 4:30 AM then it's too late for you. You've already gone to the dark side.

7.) If you get hungry after 9 PM, then you only have two choices in town, both from the Twain - pizza (frozen) or nachos (fake cheese). Doesn't sound bad? Trust me, it's part of the dark side, you pay a price.

6.) I've seen it first hand - folks that keep this routine up for too many years begin the Kathleen Turner transformation. I think I'm safe for now.

7/16/2009

Whore Houses

[kitkat.jpg]

Virginia City is 15 min from the Bunny Ranch, Kit Kat Ranch, Mustang Ranch and the Ranch of Latter Day Saints. BTW- The Mustang Ranch has a surprisingly articulate BLOG destroying Nationalized Health Care. Missed opportunity Michael Moore. You could've spiced up "Sicko" with a Hestonesque ambush on Miss. Kitty Squirts.

The other day I was talking to a fat man that went to high school here circa '75. Over drinks he told me he used to save his school lunch money and then go to the Kit Kat Ranch for $5 BJs. That's how he stayed skinny. "Back then they didn't make us wear condoms, the whore's just did a quick eyeball exam and went to it. The good old days."

You dont hear the term hooker around here... Only whore.

7/11/2009

We've Only Just Begun

My landlords are a very nice gay couple who own half the town. The other night they invited me to a dinner that one of their friends was putting on.

Things I learned at the dinner.

1. I was the only straight male invited. (Women got to come).

2. Virginia City has a large (wealthy & sophisticated) gay pop.

3. My landlords and their crew drink daily copious amounts of wine.

4. Virginia City has enough naughtéy gossip to fill The Clinton Library.

5. The Carpenters “Greatest Hits” is great for man dancing.

After dinner I went to Sergeant Major’s Saloon to have a scotch, listen to some country karaoke and talk to the VC proletariat. While standing at the urinal I took these pictures.

Interesting that one sec I am discussing “La Faux Cagiles” while The Carpenters rock the casbah and ten minutes later I am taking a leak and reading "Hang Obama". There are different lifestyles, beliefs and social classes in any city. But in a town of 1,100 the disparity feels so magnified.

7/05/2009

Fourth of July VCity Style

The Fourth of July is huge in Virginia City. Festivities include drinking, THE BEST PARADE EVER, live music out the cowgirl's ass, BBQ, fireworks and drinking. Check out the movie I made of the parade.



7/04/2009

Apartment

I couldn't take the basement apartment, so I moved.
Let's compare shall we?

Old Apartment

New Apartment

By the way I also have a porch swing.

My First Night



Just got my internet up so I am a couple of days behind. I drove into Virginia City around 8PM on the 30th, threw all my possessions into my rented without seen 8-millimeter snuff basement apartment, walked down the hill and got some Chinese food. The Chinese restaurant is the only restaurant in town open past 8:00 PM.

After fairly decent Kung Pao I went next door to Sergeant Major's bar (think walls with stapled dollar bills accessorizing with undergarments hanging from the ceiling). I met a guy named Griz who looked like Lawrence Tierney in “Reservoir Dogs”. He told me I looked like Kumar from “Harold and Kumar". I told him not to hate because I was tan and good-looking. He bought my drinks all night, showed me (and others) his ass at the Mark Twain Casino and offered up whores on him at the Kit Kat Ranch.