8/16/2009

Bloody Noses, Turkey Waddles and Angry Fathers


Top 7 Qualms With Virginia City

10.) The altitude/desert combo, makes me wake up every morning with a dried-up bloody nose. Shute says Louden Swain and I can't hold our mud.

9.) There aren’t many attractive single locals (in my age range) in Virginia City. I could push the boundaries of humanity and go to the dark side, but I promised myself I’d forgo the small town dirty-dirty rep.

8.) All the restaurants in Virginia City (sans Mandarin Garden) are closed by sunset.

7.) Tourists and Reno/Carson/Dayton girls are the best bet for action. Unfortunately they tend to only spend the night in town on Fridays & Saturdays... This does however make for more productive weekdays.

6.) The only market in Virginia City is in the RV park. It sucks being a produce snob.

5.) Every time I dance with a girl, their boyfriend, father or brother wants to fight. On Saturday night I was boogying with a young lass, while her father and uncle stroked their guitars on stage. It became rather uncomfortable when she unstealthily started biting my neck and grabbing my ass. At the end of the night I went to shake her father's hand - he refused, preferring to spit tobacco instead. She wants to take me 'clubbing' in Carson next Friday. She told me that I don't need to be on good behavior that night. Vacillation mode - Lolita's father and uncle play at about every saloon in town. Trouble...

4.) Since moving to Virginia City I have been worried that I'm going to put weight on - I don't have access to a proper gym and I frequent saloons at a rate that rivals my collegiate salad days. After seven weeks my body looks the same. It's just that it feels like all the fat has gone straight to my neck. Folks tell me I am paranoid, but I think my predestined-ancestral turkey neck has accelerated and is finally catching up with me. After every drink and meal I touch my chin/neck to see if it has grown. To counter the growing waddle I might have to find an all night Reno drum and bass club, take two E’s and dance till daylight with a piece of chewing gum in my mouth. I guess for now I’ll stick with exercise, the 40 minute drive to Reno Trader Joes, perfecto posture (which makes it go away) and my trusty Jack Lalanne facemastics.

5 comments:

  1. That is Nevada brother, specially a small town. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

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  2. ManWhoJogsInDesertInWoolSuitAugust 18, 2009 at 10:32 AM

    I was doing facemastics after I read this article...and I scared the shit out of my cat. Thanks, now I gotta go clean something up.

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  3. you are in-sane. you AND your waddle. I remember that health and fitness book circa 1950 that I found down in your laundry room. There was actually a segment on working out your neck...maybe you shouldn't have trashed that gem.

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  4. You could always get p90x. I hear it works wonders from your own TV set! OMFG!

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  5. ......here I am in India, comming back from a intense Yoga class and I read your blog about, "THE WADDLE." I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. Love you and miss you...MOM

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