Ponch and The Puzzle

Doesn't Ponch have anything better to do than fuck with el hombre driving the adorable Emmanuel Lewis mobile?

On another note - this is kind of exciting in a Rand McNally extra credit kind-a-way. I am only the 2nd person in town (1st was a guy named Fitz) to ever crack The Brass Rail Saloon's metal-intwined-crazy-fucking-difficult-puzzle. I'm thankful there was a 2nd person in the bar to take the ceremonial photo.


What Were Once Vices Are Now Habits

Top 5 Reasons my health is declining.

10.) For some reason an authentic old-west town encourages my Vince Neil Disease to act up.

9.) The whole town is lit by mid-afternoon. All the antique, sliver, turquoise and leather merchants join the tour guides, train conductors, gunfighters and my personal fav the Living Legends* at the saloons for beer and whisky.

*The Living Legends are Janes & Joes that dress up (pro bono) as cowboys and victorians, and saunter around town talking and taking pictures with tourists. If you ever have a chance to share a beer with an undertaker, débutante or rifleman, do it. Click here if you'd like to apply to be a Living Legend.

8.) There is a 24-hour bar/casino (slots and v-poker) called the Mark Twain or as people endearingly refer to it as, "The Twain". Needless to say if you are at the Twain at 4:30 AM then it's too late for you. You've already gone to the dark side.

7.) If you get hungry after 9 PM, then you only have two choices in town, both from the Twain - pizza (frozen) or nachos (fake cheese). Doesn't sound bad? Trust me, it's part of the dark side, you pay a price.

6.) I've seen it first hand - folks that keep this routine up for too many years begin the Kathleen Turner transformation. I think I'm safe for now.


Whore Houses


Virginia City is 15 min from the Bunny Ranch, Kit Kat Ranch, Mustang Ranch and the Ranch of Latter Day Saints. BTW- The Mustang Ranch has a surprisingly articulate BLOG destroying Nationalized Health Care. Missed opportunity Michael Moore. You could've spiced up "Sicko" with a Hestonesque ambush on Miss. Kitty Squirts.

The other day I was talking to a fat man that went to high school here circa '75. Over drinks he told me he used to save his school lunch money and then go to the Kit Kat Ranch for $5 BJs. That's how he stayed skinny. "Back then they didn't make us wear condoms, the whore's just did a quick eyeball exam and went to it. The good old days."

You dont hear the term hooker around here... Only whore.


We've Only Just Begun

My landlords are a very nice gay couple who own half the town. The other night they invited me to a dinner that one of their friends was putting on.

Things I learned at the dinner.

1. I was the only straight male invited. (Women got to come).

2. Virginia City has a large (wealthy & sophisticated) gay pop.

3. My landlords and their crew drink daily copious amounts of wine.

4. Virginia City has enough naughtéy gossip to fill The Clinton Library.

5. The Carpenters “Greatest Hits” is great for man dancing.

After dinner I went to Sergeant Major’s Saloon to have a scotch, listen to some country karaoke and talk to the VC proletariat. While standing at the urinal I took these pictures.

Interesting that one sec I am discussing “La Faux Cagiles” while The Carpenters rock the casbah and ten minutes later I am taking a leak and reading "Hang Obama". There are different lifestyles, beliefs and social classes in any city. But in a town of 1,100 the disparity feels so magnified.


Fourth of July VCity Style

The Fourth of July is huge in Virginia City. Festivities include drinking, THE BEST PARADE EVER, live music out the cowgirl's ass, BBQ, fireworks and drinking. Check out the movie I made of the parade.



I couldn't take the basement apartment, so I moved.
Let's compare shall we?

Old Apartment

New Apartment

By the way I also have a porch swing.

My First Night

Just got my internet up so I am a couple of days behind. I drove into Virginia City around 8PM on the 30th, threw all my possessions into my rented without seen 8-millimeter snuff basement apartment, walked down the hill and got some Chinese food. The Chinese restaurant is the only restaurant in town open past 8:00 PM.

After fairly decent Kung Pao I went next door to Sergeant Major's bar (think walls with stapled dollar bills accessorizing with undergarments hanging from the ceiling). I met a guy named Griz who looked like Lawrence Tierney in “Reservoir Dogs”. He told me I looked like Kumar from “Harold and Kumar". I told him not to hate because I was tan and good-looking. He bought my drinks all night, showed me (and others) his ass at the Mark Twain Casino and offered up whores on him at the Kit Kat Ranch.